Congress Declares "Last Straw"

Congressional leaders, both Democrat and Republican, have embarked on a bold new political campaign, that is being characterized as brilliant by the leading academic experts in the field. "Acknowledging their superiority in disapproval ratings as compared to President Bush but not Vice President Cheney results in a growing feeling of inferiority to the Executive Branch of government," according to noted political scientist Francis Fukuyama. This has long vexed long-serving congressional leaders, such as Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-MA), whose spokesperson said, "The senator agreed that it was time. Before, you could have a mysterious affair with an office worker that crescendoed with death under mysterious circumstances and grab some real headlines, but that doesn't phase a public saturated with reality TV."

Abandoning the usual swarthy charm of the modern political campaign, both parties' leadership, in an unprecedented show of bipartisan support, have decided to start intentionally pissing people off. Rep. Nancy Pelosi, (D-CA, 8th), in a press conference this morning said proudly, "In not overturning the president's veto of SCHIP shows to the American people that we can be the most callous and selfish institution in the world. " Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) had his own achievements to commiserate. "This week the Senate has boldly included immunity for telecom corporations to flout the rule of law. We view this as an opportunity to build on the image that we are out of touch with the American people." Plainclothes onlookers were to quick to point out that administration officials had requested that the telecom immunity be included in permanently broadening the federal government's authority to eavesdrop on domestic communications.

At a press conference, Bush administration officials downplayed the significance of this new development. "While the president is very conscious of how much higher the congress' disapproval rating is," White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said, "but, no one here is worried, I can tell you. The president has many options going into what could potentially be his last years as a public figure. There is the potential invasion or at least attack in Iran, not to mention any potential proclamation of martial law."

Congressional Republicans could barely be bothered to comment to the American public. Rep. John Boener's (R-OH, 8th) office, just after the end of the press cycle Friday evening, released a statement that outlines vast increases in spending and forced conscription. When asked for clarification, his spokesman said, "Our [Congressional Republican's] record of callous disregard for the wishes of the American people stands for itself."

Vice President Cheney's office replied by fax, merely saying, "go f*@# yourself". Physical copies that arrived at the fax machine in our office were quickly confiscated by the FBI along with several external hard drives, and Shadow was briefly held for questioning.

According to a congressional staffer who wished to remain anonymous, the campaign springs from a lack of interest in the mechanisms of government. "The American people can't be bothered with trying to fight against malign legislation. The ones who said they were really trying to push back against infringements on privacy rights, colossal corruption, and atrophy public services weren't getting any calls to their office in support of what they were doing. It really made [members of Congress] feel unwanted and depressed.